Gs Witless Wonder

What I did this summer...

2009-09-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

One of the great joys I've had over the previous 15 months of clinical experience was a month long elective rotation with the Angel One transport team at Arkansas Children's Hospital. Spending a month with Angel One, transporting sick children from all over Arkansas for treatment has highlighted my senior year to this point. With modes of transportation varying from ambulance to helicopter to fixed wing aircraft, each case provided new opportunities to see the nurse, respiratory tech or resident in action treating and triaging critically ill children. By far the most memorable trip was also the most grave.

On a Friday afternoon on my second week, dispatch received a call from a small town hospital in southeast Arkansas that had a baby less than a day old with worsening respiratory distress. The term newborn, MN, had been born of an uncomplicated pregnancy, but had tachypnea soon after birth. MN was placed on supplimental oxygen via nasal canula and observed. Initially oxygen saturations improved and it was assumed he had simply had a transient spell of tachypnea. However the next morning, saturations again began to drop and the infant began entering distress again. Concerned for sepsis, the family practitioner started MN on gentamycin. Within an hour of starting the antibiotic, MN began having more rapid desaturations lasting for longer periods and he began having episodes of bradycardia. At this point, the family practitioner called Angel One for assistance. He reported MN now had some skin mottling and was less responsive. We were set to fly up via fixed wing aircraft when the practitioner called back to say MN was having further respiratory problems and asked if we could get there more quickly. A call was made to the pilot and we were dispatched via helicopter.

The hour and twenty minute flight didn't last long as I thought about what we might need to do. As a flight for a neonate, there were only three Angel One crew members, a pilot, RN and RT, and myself. When we arrived two nurses greeted us at the helipad and asked us to come as quickly as we could. Upon entering the closet sized nursery of this rural hospital, we encountered a cluster of people around a neonatal resuscitation table. The family practitioner stepped out to start giving report, while a nurse manually bagged MN and two others ran back and forth grabbing materials.

As the Angel One nurse called to give report to the attending in the NICU, MN suddenly entered profound bradycardia. The RT drew labs and prepared to intubate MN. I stepped up and started chest compressions at the insistence of the family practitioner and the Angel One nurse drew epinephrine. The skilled RT slid an ET tube into MN's mouth and attached him to our portable respirator. I continued chest compressions, my arms beginning to burn from the unfamiliar exercise. After 4 rounds of epinephrine and a loss of pulse and cardiac electrical activity from MN, it was determined that we should bring the parents in and let them decide if we should continue.

As mom and dad were led to the bedside both began crying. I continued compressions as they look at their first son lying lifeless on the exam table. I continued compressions as I knew that if I did not focus on the child, my empathy would prevent me from being of any further assistance. Finally, mom spoke, through a quiet, cracking voice and said "that's enough". I stopped and stepped away.

The RT stood by the ventilator and for several long minutes, the only sounds in the room were those of cries and the constant, somehow reassuring hissing of the vent breathing for MN. Finally the RT shut the vent off and all that was left was crying. As I turned, I noticed the room shrinking, grandparents were now present, all with tears in their eyes, then some aunts and uncles came in, all wiping their faces as they struggled to reassure mom and dad.

I slid out of the room and walked to the nurses station. Not a single eye was dry on the unit. Every nurse, technician, and receptionist were looking down with red eyes, tissues in hand. A particularly young nurse who had been helping with the code, was nearly inconsolable. She had never lost a patient, much less a baby. The Angel One crew and I gathered in a corner and shared disappointed looks.

We waited in the staff lounge, drinking ice tea, sharing few words hoping for the grieving family to change rooms so we could retrieve our gear. Finally, after a period that felt like weeks, we were able to get our bags, and pull our uncharacteristically empty isolette out to the waiting helicopter. As we loaded, there was a strange feeling of hollowness. The hour and fifteen minute flight back could have been a twelve hour trans-Pacific flight as far as I could tell. The crew went about their charting and making notes, saddened but not devastated by the event. I spent the trip thinking of what had happened, how could a seemingly healthy baby do so poorly? What if anything could I have done? Could we have done? I knew that we had the best equipment, a great crew and we still failed.

After discussing it with the crew, I realized we could have had a neonatologist on board and had the same result. Losing a patient is an aspect of medicine that I know gets easier to deal with as careers progress, but I hope that I don't become so cynical that I simply don't let adverse outcomes affect me at all. At the same time, I look forward to training that will help me further avoid being paralyzed in empathy or stricken with fear.

I Want-

2008-09-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

-A house

-A new car

-To walk out of the VA with more hope than I walked in with, for at least one day

-An airplane

-To be able to be called “Doctor”

-To help people

-Some skittles

-To be less tired

-To run more

-An income instead of an “outcome’

-To congratulate Brad and Rachel on their excellent news

-Season 5 of the Office, like now

-To have definitive signs instead of hunches

-Another house

-To feel less animosity towards some people

-To take more pictures

-The election to be over (don’t care who wins so long as they leave me the hell alone)

-An office

-A sugar cookie

-A Cowboys Super Bowl Win (I would add a Hogs BCS Title, but Hell isn’t frozen yet)

-At least one “Hollywood Romance” even if it lasts as long as an average movie

-To better understand dying

-To go where the people go (take me there just so long as there’s an atmosphere)

-A bigger television

-A bigger refrigerator

-To know what kind of medicine I’m supposed to go into

-Mo’ money (mo’ problems)

-The new Jenny Lewis album

-To write more regularly (more specifically, to have something to say).

-To thank God, ‘cause I’ve got it pretty good.

Skin to Skin

2008-08-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

So... It's August 17th and I haven't written a dang thing in 6 weeks, well that's not true, I posted some videos 6 weeks ago, it's been a bit longer since I've sat down and written something. The last 6 weeks have been dedicated to surgery. I have been engulfed in arguably the most time intensive field of medicine. Which, considering the fact it's my first experience with clinical level in it's full-fledgedness, is pretty intense. I've got a worry that I'm going to be bored after this clerkship ends in 2 weeks, but oh well, maybe something less will be refreshing. I've been averaging a bit over 60 hours a week so far, with the exception of my week of private practice which probably struggled to top 30 hours. The mornings are brutally early, requiring me to be at the hospital at 5:30 most days. I can say that so far the only part of my day that I dread is that act of getting out of bed at 4:45. And although days don't end until 6ish or later, it's still been a great learning experience. I wish there were more hours in the day to accomplish things outside of the hospital, but I'm blessed to be enjoying what I'm doing. I don't think I've found myself just watching the clock yet. In fact, I was dreading surgery a bit, but I've enjoyed it so much I'm considering it now as one of the fields I might apply to residency in. I know that's really noncommittal, but I'd like to experience some other fields before I say with any certainty that I'm going into one thing.

One thing surgery has appointed me is an opportunity to experience a lot of diverse cases with diverse patients. Some patients frustrate me to no end, others are a delight to work with. Dealing with the frustrating ones is a difficult skill that I don't think I've learned yet. I still let them bother me too much, but perhaps as I get further along in my career, I'll develop a tolerance. I would like to take this opportunity to preach and say, SMOKING IS BAD. The last two weeks of my clerkship have been on vascular surgery at the VA and there is one thing that every patient shares, regardless of socio-economic or educational background, they all smoke like chimneys. They will smoke right up until you roll them into the OR and as soon as they can stand, they will be outside in the Butt Hut, resuming their previous habit. I find it incredibly frustrating considering their diseases, in nearly all cases can be attributed to that most disgusting of habits. Ok, I'm done now, thanks for humoring me, those that continued reading.

Prior to the VA, I spent 4 weeks on the general surgery service at Children's, which was awesome. I don't remember having a bad experience with a member of our team and I learned a ridiculous amount in that 4 week span. The surgeons were great, I really enjoyed working with them. The kids were a lot of fun too, in most cases. I was a bit afraid of them at first, but it's amazing how quickly they recover. I will say that pediatric surgery may not be a path I pursue (but it might), but I am open to fields involving children more now than I was in June.

Speaking of June, most of you know I took the Step 1 of the USMLE on the 17th. The most important test of my life, to date. Well, my scores came back smack dab in the middle of my peds surgery rotation. Given my hectic schedule I haven't taken time to write about it until now. I didn't do as well as I had hoped, but I don't feel terribly ashamed with how I did. I scored a little below the national average, but not so low that I'm excluded from any of the fields I was previously considering, or surgyer, which I've added as a potential field over the last few weeks. If I want to do plastics or orthopedics or dermatology, I probably have a pretty difficult battle ahead, but outside of those, I should be a solid candidate.

So that's the last 8 weeks or so condensed. I probably could write more about specific experiences I've had, but I really don't feel like getting all wired over the ones that made me mad or reminiscent of the ones I liked, so I'll leave this as is for the time being. Perhaps at some point in the future, I'll stop and write down some of it to share.

The Wildhearts "29x The Pain" & "Sick of Drugs"

2008-07-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

Rolling along...

2008-06-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

Life sure seems to be anyway. I realize it's been a pretty unreasonable amount of time since my last update, and I'd venture to guess my readership is somewhere between 0 and none, but I digress. I am here to write.

The last two months have not be as exciting as many other hiatuses. I spent the vast majority of time studying for, stressing over, studying some more and finally taking the Step 1 of the USMLE (US Medical Licensing Exam). It's the first monster step in becoming a doctor. I won't find out my score until July 16 at the earliest. I just hope I passed, but I'm sure when my score comes in I'll sit down to elaborate more.

Certain feelings prompted me to write this blog. Self-loathing I think would be a far too simplistic and inappropriate way to call it, but it fits into the category of personal reflection and most likely regret.

Let me start over. Mike is in town for the weekend and as has been our tradition for such visits, we wax nostalgically about all the crap that's happened over the years to make us good friends. As such, his portion consists largely of reminiscing about pranks pulled on me and making fun of my love life (or lack there of). To hear him tell it, the women that were formerly brave enough to date me should be members of the Arkham asylum. Not because I made them crazy (although I'm sure that case can be made easily) but because they themselves might have been a few cards shy of a deck.

The image of crazy women in my life is probably due largely to how I portray them. And there are no particular hard feelings and I do my best not to hold grudges, what's done is over and life rolls on. But our conversations like this always seem to put me in a reflective mindset.

I look back now and realize, the most serious relationship I've been in to date lasted 5 whole months, was based largely on orgasms and occurred nearly 7 years ago. It's been a decline since, in terms of length of time dated and depth of seriousness attained. One relationship ended because I could not tolerate any more drama (I've written that one up previously, if you'd care for the read let me know and I'll share). Another ended because I the girl was driving me nuts after 3 dates. One ended because the girl wanted to develop her spirituality and yet another ended because I was too much of a retard to appreciate the opportunity and too immature to take proper measure to pursue things further.

Judging by my writing, one might rightly assume regret is born of the last mentioned relationship. After dating for a month, she told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to move on to a more serious commitment and I responded with an articulate and well-timed "nah". Two and half years later, I look back and see opportunity; not knocking on the door but beating it down and driving a harley into my living room. I see the chance to actually have an adult relationship with someone I get along with and like. I kept the email that confirmed the dissolution of our friendship. In reading it, I come across as a royal asshole and I really thought I'd never be THAT guy, but apparently I am. So I would like to apologize to that girl right now and say, I'm sorry, I should have listened. The odds of this blog reaching her is minute, but at least it's said.

Back to self-loathing, I'm not having a pity party over this situation. Rather I'm mourning a lost opportunity and trying to comprehend what all of this history means (I say "all of this history" but with no relationship lasting longer than 5 months and most averaging a single month, I may be embellishing a bit). As friends continue to wed left and right, then move into the discussion of kids, I see my stagnant romantic life and wonder if it's not past it's peak, or sitting idle for a fairy princess to sweep off her feet or if it's part of a divine plan to make sure that whenever I find someone I know what I'm looking for and I know how to act. What did I learn from each relationship and how did it affect the next? What do I need to do to avoid repeating mistakes? Are there things about me that need augmentation?

So what do I do in the mean time? Wait, I reckon. Things will happen when they are supposed to happen and even if it's not meant to happen, life is good anyway.

The one, the where, the why
The home below the sky
The only thing that men will sing about throughout the world
One love, one life and one girl

The light you gave to me that even I can see
If beauty shines like a precious stone
Then you're the only pearl

One love, one life, one girl

-The Wildhearts "One Love, One Life, One Girl"

More to come soon.

2008-06-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

Schedule? We don't need no stinkin schedule. (Continued/End)

2008-05-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

We’ve finally gotten back to playing ultimate Frisbee on Saturdays and I’m stoked. I love playing and we’ve been having a good group show up. I know I’m not very good and I manage to always hurt something (groin, shoulder, knee, ankle, etc) when we play but it’s a great outlet of physical activity and the competition makes it fun. Now we don’t’ play by strict rules and a lot of things slide, but we still talk trash and run each other around (and hit sometimes). I tend to play a bit physical and granted I’m not of great size, I keep waiting for one of the bigger guys to level me, but so far so good. Knowing my luck, it’ll be one of the petite ladies that finally lays the smack down.

We finished up our last few weeks of class since my last update. We had our last test and our 5 NBME finals. Boy did they suck. I've come to the conclusion that pathology and oncology are out of my scope. I can't deal with all the tumor types. I know 'hey that ain't right' and I'll gladly turf a eligible patient to a service or lab that can definitively diagnose the minutia that I don't care about. As for the NBMEs, I hate 125+ question standardized tests. Thankfully they are over. I was pretty set in my grades, there was only a couple of classes that could really move me based on a realistic estimate of my performance, and I hope I did well on those tests. So far only one score has come back, pharmacology and I’m happy to report I kept my B. Also, I passed ethics. That must mean either, a) I have ethics after all or b) I fooled people into thinking I had enough to pass the course. I’m torn between the two, b) seems more like me but a) seems more likely. Our other grades should start coming back next week and the following week, so I’ll have more to update then.

My task for the next 5 weeks is to study hard for the Step 1 of the USMLE (US Medical Licensing Exam). It's going to suck trying to review every class from the last two years and remember enough details to do well on the exam, but after taking this week off, I'm feeling remarkably refreshed and I think this weekend I'll be able to start hitting the books extremely hard. There is an online video review course that boasts great results and is affordable, I may add it to my review.

Next weekend is Jeff's (my cousin) wedding. Fortunately it's in Scott so it's nearby, however I'm in it, so there's going to be obligations to deal with and a large contingent of family here. I figure if I get really into the studies next week I should be able to take next weekend kinda easy to deal with all of that stuff. Since I'm in the wedding I can't sneak a review book into the church... or can I? No, I better not risk it, Jeff is the first of the grandchildren to wed and I don't want to risk having a wedding ceremony and a public hanging in the same day (my mother, grandmother, and aunt would probably put my head on a stick to warn the other three grandchildren about behavior).

Whew, I made it through and I think most of the previous was coherent! If you're mentioned or have been involved in these stories somehow and I've misrepresented a detail, let me know. And as always, keep an eye on the gallery site for new pictures and stuff like that.

Schedule? We don't need no stinkin schedule. (Continued)

2008-05-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

After the madness that was the storms and in the midst of all the last push of classes the singles/college group at church put on a spring formal. It was a real upscale production, with guys in nice suits and girls in fancy dresses and such. It was a stinkin good time and yours truly was asked to be the event photographer. I was flattered, and promptly went out to buy a new lens to make sure I was equipped (to be honest the old one would have suited me just fine, but what kinda fun is that when you can’t rationalize purchases based on perceived need?). I took a lot of pictures, from the tripod and freestanding, with couples under a fancy arch and just mingling. Pictures can be found here. If you look hard enough you might find me, I tried to stay behind the camera as much as I could because, well I hate being photographed. As can be seen by the pics, all the girls looked ultra pretty and the guys were all GQ or whatever the phrase is the kids use these days.

As might be gleaned from the image of me, I have a long mane and copious facial hair. Some say I bear a resemblance to the Western perception of Son of God. In fact, I was called “med school Jesus” for a bit and once referred to as the “Messiah” but thankfully I wasn’t struck down by a bolt of lightening. I’ll admit to being lazy and not shaving for long periods, but I’m not attempting to imitate the Savior of mankind, honestly. People like to rib me about it and that’s fine, however I’d rather not be struck down where I stand or sit, so yeah. (Some might say I’m taking this a bit too seriously, and perhaps I am, but I saw a thing on cults on TV the other night and while I might not be completely right between the ears, I’m not nutty enough to be a cult leader so I’m drawing a distinction now). Perhaps the most amusing episode of the whole thing came one night when I was having dinner with my parents. Mom and I decided to sit outside on the patio at a local restaurant to wait on dad to get there and as we sat down I noticed a group of people staring. I wasn’t sure what they were looking at but whatever, I catch weird glances sometimes. But they kept looking up at me and I was kinda getting nervous. When they (two guys in their early 20s) got up to leave, I prepared to brandish my butter knife as a weapons (it was the best I could do). The younger of the two walked up and said “Hey dude, I love the look, you look just like Jesus”. I chuckled, my mom looked like she was going to fall out of her chair. I mustered some kind of “umm thanks” expression and they left. The thought occurred to me that I should have said “Bless you, my son” but I didn’t want to tempt the lightening bolt.

Schedule? We don't need no stinkin schedule.

2008-05-09T21:43:00.001-07:00

Alright, I’m gonna be honest here. I’ve been dreading this post. Not because I don’t love each and everyone of you, my loyal reader(s), but because I’ve waited so long there’s no way to get around this post being GINORMOUS to say the least. So here’s what I’m gonna do. This post and the ones that follow will be a single narrative divided into slightly more digestible portions so that your collective heads don’t explode upon ingestion.

I’ve waited a month to write this, so I bet all of you are titillated at the thought of what my mind produced over such a long layoff. Well, sorry to disappoint, but I don’t know that I have that much to say, perhaps that’s why I haven’t posted. Plus, with such a long period passing, I’ve forgotten a lot of details. In attempt to remember, I’m just going to start writing and we’ll see where we end up and what holes I need to patch.

I did my bible study as planned and it turned out well, I thought. Granted I didn’t have a lot of wisdom to impart, the discussion that flowed from the others that attended was really encouraging. I thoroughly enjoyed hearing everyone else’s opinion and learned a lot about how other people view prayer and their interactions with God.

The night of the bible study, actually right as we were finishing, we were hammered by not one, not two, not three, but about four rounds of severe weather. It just kept coming, I’ve rarely experienced weather like that. I like thunderstorms, but this was a bit ridiculous. There were numerous tornadoes and a lot of damage. One of the storms was headed up a road not terribly far from my apartment and I went outside to look (cause like all redneck morons, if someone says a tornado is coming, I have to go look for it) and saw the funnel cloud go over my house. It was a surreal experience, one I can’t quite describe. The clouds were low hanging (obviously) and had a green hue. Fortunately, the tornado decided not to descend as I stood outside gawking like an idiot.

My parents neighborhood was not so fortunate. There was a small tornado that touched down about a quarter mile from their house and leveled a whole swath of trees (and did some damage to the houses next to the trees). It was pretty incredible. I went over Saturday (the storms were Thursday night) and there were crews everywhere cutting down trees and repairing power lines. The national guard had even been deployed to guard the neighborhood (it’s kinda swanky like that). There are a lot of trees gone now in areas I’m used to seeing 60' or 70’ oaks and pines, it’s strange to see. I took a crapton of pictures they can be found here. The damage furthest from the house and the pictures get progressively closer (the end are the nearest, logically). Cammack Village is the area the first parts of the images are from, it’s a small town surrounded by Little Rock that took a direct hit. My parents house was spared, but they were without power for about 4 days, which would have driven my electrophile mind crazy, but they made it through somehow.

Other areas of town were hit too, there were a bunch of tornadoes that night. I didn’t get pictures of them because without an excuse like “my parents live here” I couldn’t really justify being there, so I didn’t try.

A Bit Off Schedule

2008-04-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

I've really been intending to update for the better part of two weeks, unfortunately things have been busy and it just hasn't happened. I last updated upon my heroic return from the collegiate world. Actually, I still live in a collegiate world, just one more professional and seemingly more adult.

So the day after my return I got a call about noon from my neighbor Natasha. She had an invite to go sailing with a guy from her pottery class and was a bit reticent to go alone so I got the invite (her boyfriend got stuck in Hot Springs for the day). Her call came about noon and the invitation was for 2:30, so there was very little notice. Having never been sailing and with the weather being glorious, I decided to accept. It was a blast, a sail boat is definitely on my toy list now (along with a $200,000 Porche, pretty much anything electronic and Jenna Fischer). Pictures of the afternoon on the lake can be found here.

Last week we had a crazy week of exams. We had a unit test on genitourinary Wednesday, I saw a patient after the exam, then we had the comprehensive Basic Sciences NBME on Friday. Our unit exam wasn't that bad. I stunk on the pathology portion, mostly because there are no less than 15,000 tumors that affect the kidneys, ureters, bladder, urethra, ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, cervix, vagina, vulva, testicles, prostate and penis. I can safely say I don't think I'll be making a living looking at tissue biopsies or in urology, ob/gyn or nephrology. Other than path, the exam went really well for me and was a bit of a confidence boost. We have one unit exam left, then 5 finals and we're done with this year. The NBME was basically a 200 question standardized exam of everything we've covered in the first two years of medical school. I can say one thing, it sucked. I was confident that I was bleeding out of every available orifice by time it was over. The questions were difficult, but not impossible, and the two and a half hours I took to finish were just painful. Considering I have the 350 question Step 1 rapidly approaching, I appreciate the experience and now I know some areas I need to focus on in studying.

The patient I saw last week was a really nice gentleman who had a series of maladies that I now believe are required for treatment at the VA. Namely, a history of stroke, alcohol abuse (and subsequent liver failure), kidney dysfunction, heart failure or COPD (lung problems). Any patient admitted is required to have at least three of the above plus a new problem in an unrelated system. I say this with inherent sarcasm, not because I have any resentment towards the patients, I really appreciate their time and without them I'd be without a career, but simply because it seems to be a sad cross-section of the individuals that have served our country and perhaps maybe simply a cross-section of the general population. All of these illnesses are tragic in their own way and I wish I had ways to reverse them but unfortunately they are typically incurable.

On a cheerier note, the Office starts back next week, which is awesome, to say the least. House starts back soon and Juno is out on DVD in a couple of weeks. Oh, my poor academics, how they will suffer as I consume the entertainment.

Also, I'm leading a bible study tomorrow night about prayer. I know religion is something I rarely discuss, but I'm really happy to be participating in a church. I've continued going to Summit and attending events associated with the church. The members of the church are wonderful and I enjoy the fact I tend to learn something or pick up something new each time I attend. For the purposes of the bible study, I intend to contrast talking to God vs. prayer by using an analogy of twitter and blogging, each respectfully representing talking to God (as in the daily conversation I might have in my head) and a daily prayer. Now I realize some of you might say, "wait a minute he doesn't blog every day!" and you would be correct, but I do tend to pray daily and my prayers are lengthy and cover a lot of material, much like my blog entries. I would imagine my rambling prayers are about as entertaining as my blog entries, but since there's only two people hearing them, I think it's ok. I'm working on a powerpoint to illustrate my points right now, but my aim is to have a discussion rather than a lecture. I certainly don't feel like I'm any kind of authority be teaching necessarily, but I'm happy to facilitate a discussion. Now if I could just finish this entry so I can take a screenshot to add into the powerpoint...

Nostalgia

2008-03-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

As I peered down Drury Lane, watching carefully for the typical foaming at the mouth, brain dead frat boys blasting rap music that traditionally tried to murder pedestrians as they foolishly attempted to traverse the Lane, I realized how much I missed this place. The southerly wind blew in my face ensuring that my hair didn't cloud my view, my gait slowed and I took shallow frequent breaths in an attempt to hold in the feeling and remember as much of my four and half years at Drury as I could.

In a rush, things came back. The Zeta cowboy dance freshman year with Kristen, the first few weeks of organic chemistry being mysteriously held at the business school, the monster printer that three of us managed to split in half as we pushed it across the Lane. The feeling of walking down the Lane to parking at the end of a full day of class and work. My first apartment. Shopping with Mary after we became friends. Surprising Tara on her birthday. Celebrating mine with Mike (since they are on the same day). Getting Zoe and learning to live with a kitten.

The memory of living on campus and mouthing an RA for the first time, the now destroyed Sunderland and the cabling job in it's replacement. The long nights working with Mike, leaving in the wee hours of the morning, mounting switches, moving through any building we like and helping certain members of a certain athletic team in any way they needed. As well as the opening of new buildings and chaos that accompanied such projects. And how could I forget the pranks that seemed to be endemic to the office and the blatant lack of any kind of honor in pulling those jokes?

The girls I dated in college sprang to memory, along with the others I didn't, but might have wanted to. The long departed friends living in far reaches of the United States, from New York to Nashville to Springfield to Colorado Springs to San Francisco. I remembered the first time I set foot on campus as a high schooler as well as the last as a college student.

At the end of the day, I would still be leaving this place and the life of the college would continue. No matter how much I thought I mattered, it was always almost a disappointment to see that the campus had carried on without me. That is a bit of hyperbole, but I'm amazed how much things just seem to keep plugging along, it's almost like I wasn't there in certain cases. However, when I see people I worked with or listened to in class or went to class with, the thoughts of insignificance melt away. Here is a community of people that care about me as I do them and they know I'm gone but not forgotten. I'll never forget the feeling of being on the campus and the memories it brought.

I look back and see the best years of my life to this point and wonder, did I peak already? I can't complain about my life now and I know there were plenty of bad days to go with all the fond memories. The fights and breakups, the disappointment, the terse words and goodbyes. But even in such depressing memories comes the realization that I wouldn't relinquish them for any sum of money or material bribe. I'm confident that there are plenty of highs yet to come for me, but the seeming concentration of them in retrospect makes me wonder if I'll ever experience that again (but I'm hopeful I will). From the day I started at Drury in Re:Boot, I felt at home and my group of friends seemed to expand constantly, I had never experienced such a good social fit, and until recently it was an isolated experience, but that's material for another blog. All in all, the tight knit community makes me wonder if small town medicine might not be something worth considering more thoroughly (random tangent).

With the memory of the wind rushing past my face, I can recall other occasions where I noted the wind on campus and how its changes brought more dramatic affects. I remember the deep blue skies and white Bradford pears of spring, the sunlight beaming down reminding everyone what gorgeous weather was with a warm wind offering gentle reinforcement. The winds changing in fall, throwing playful, brilliantly colored leaves across the Lane offered an ominous idea of the coming winter. The biting cold of the north wind as it whipped snow across the campus and made your lungs burn with each tentative step, offering incredible resistance as you trekked against it on a perpetual path towards the north end of campus. The wind that day was one reflecting the coming rain, which, while record breaking, would offer the campus and the city a chance to be washed clean as spring approaches.

Just as the wind was one of change, bringing weather to cleanse the land, I began appreciating the winds of change in my life. Sometimes they don't seem to blow strong enough, other times they blow too hard and other times they even tend to blow in directions I don't want them to. The fact is the change coming now brings me hope. I don't know where I might end up (another blog topic) but I have faith that I'll be where I belong and that resisting change at this point is futile (it's gotta happen).

Having the opportunity to reflect on the visit during the long drive home I began to consider how fortunate I have been in life and how thankful I am for that. Though I might ask for a remote estimate of the number of times I crossed the Lane, I'm undeniably grateful for the opportunity to even ask the question. And I began to wonder what questions I will be able to ask in the future.

This was definitely an incoherent post, but I wrote more for me than you, my adoring public. If you want me to try to clarify, fire away in the comments section. On a note related to my trip, Mike was a great host (as always) for the last few days and I had a great time while I was in Missouri. I enjoy rehashing memories and seeing the old stomping grounds and this was a great week for that to happen. I intend to post again soon about the flooding that happened while I was there and obviously my thoughts and prayers are with those affected. Below is just a random video of a song I've been digging lately.

4 Weeks remaining...

2008-03-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

Well, we are down to the last 4 weeks of lecture. We have 8 weeks total, but 4 weeks of sitting in lecture for many hours a day. Next week is Spring Break, which is a welcome event. I'm going to Springfield for a few days just to get out of town. We have two units left, the one we are one, Genitourinary, is mostly STDs and cancers, which makes for memorable things but also makes me to want avoid human contact even more than ever. The next unit is just a hodgepodge of everything we've not covered thus far. I'm amazed we are nearly done second year. On the whole it has flown by and next year may be the same way. Maybe I'm just getting older and life in general is in a hurry. That's probably substance for a whole other discussion.

On a separate note, Kathy and I are no longer dating. Before someone gets upset, there was no huge fight, there was no screaming or anything, she just feels as though the most appropriate way for her to pursue her relationship with God right now is to be single; so that it's the two of them. I'm in no position to argue and I told her from day one that I won't try to compete because I can't, pure and simple. I hope we can maintain our friendship and while I'm disappointed at the outcome, I still care about her and I have no resentment, I rather enjoyed our time together.

I should also add "thank you, Kathy" because I feel as though she introduced me to a new church home just when I was really needing it. I have really hit it off with some members of the church and while I knew many of them from before (Cap, Kyle, Joey, the Phelps, the Goods, the Ramseys, the Jacksons, etc), I haven't felt like I fit into a place that well since I started college 7 years ago. I'm going to continue to attend Summit and hang out with the people I've met, including the Kathy and the others I've known for a bit.

Hello world... some more

2008-02-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

I apparently neglected some information in my recent update. In my attempt to keep the post under the length of "War and Peace" I left out some details about Kathy and I's relationship and probably some other details that might or might not be of massive importance.

Anyway, in the aftermath of Kathy's mugging I helped her get a list together of lost items, wallet contents, etc (I think I mentioned that). In that process she elucidated that her iPod and PDA were in her purse when it was taken. Her PDA was work issued and accordingly replaced by the company. Her iPod on the other hand was something that she had received as a gift and used it frequently. She is a profound music lover with eclectic tastes (one thing we have in common is we like good music, although her range of music is far more vast than mine). Immediately I felt like replacing her iPod was something that would help the healing process and be a nice sign of support and friendship, unfortunately, I'm a student and accordingly not financially independent enough to outright buy one. So I put out the word through mutual friends that I wanted to take up a collection for the "Kathy Fund" (Cap's name for it).

We solicited a wide range of donations from friends at church and work and raised enough to buy her a brand new iPod Classic from Apple. In the process of buying it, Cap suggested getting it engraved, an option I hadn't even considered (I forgot you could!). That changed my plan for the disbursement of the Fund, I had hoped to simply hop over to Best Buy, get a black one and present it with a card ASAP. On Cap's suggestion I decided to buy from Apple directly and that posed a new problem, what should be engraved? After many attempts to find profound quotes on the internet about friendship or music I was still at a loss for what to fill in on the form (thanks for nothing Google, I still <3 you anyway). Finally, I suggested to Cap, what about just "We love you, Kathy."? She liked it and I figured it was simple and conveyed how we felt, so that's what we went with.

Now I had something new to worry about. In the intervening 6 days between the order and the iPod's arrival and me giving it to Kathy, I was consumed (well maybe not consumed, but concerned) with the notion that the engraving would say "We glove you, Katie." or some other aberration of our intended quote. Despite the great urge to open it to check, I left it in the plastic for Kathy to open herself. Saturday night at a birthday party for Lauren (a friend and co-conspirator) I sent around a card, without Kathy's knowledge, for people to sign. Kyle had gotten the work people to sign the card the previous day, so after the party I invited Kathy in. She accepted and in my awkward attempt maintain the surprise I'm sure I acted extremely peculiar. Finallly I just had her close her eyes and I handed her the card first. Then much to her surprise I put the iPod in her hands.

Her face lit up and showed the utter surprise and thrill I had hoped to elicit. I was excited to see her so happy and I was a bit sad I hadn't arranged it for everyone to see her reaction. I'm really glad I was able to help in a small way, I realize Kathy will probably protest my use of such modest terms, but it was a group act and we really care about her and were more than happy to help (if I have the liberty to speak for the group).

I didn't previously mention that I'm participating in the Little Rock Marathon again this year. I'm running the half marathon (or I'm going to try) and my goal is about 2 hours 20 minutes. Hopefully I can make it the full 13.1 miles and get back to see the marathoners finish. Brad is running the full marathon (he's nuts, period the end). I ran 12 miles the week before last on a Sunday and despite never being so dog tired in all my days, I was able to finish in an hour and 47 minutes, which was a nice surprise. I've been slacking the last two weeks in terms of my training but I ran today and intend to tomorrow as well. The race is a week from Sunday, March 2nd, so I don't have much more time to prepare. It happens to fall on the day before our next test, but since the race starts at 8 am, I hope to be done by 11 and studying, and I'm trying to help myself by staying current with the lectures this week and next (more so than I have in the past).

Speaking of running, and as a testament to how Kathy rocks, she got me the Nike+iPod attachment for my nano, so it'll track how far I run and my pace and give me encouragement and of course play music. It's really a neat attachment, there's a shoe insert, that doesn't fit properly in my Mizzuno's, but I have it in a working spot and after the race I'll probably look at getting some Nike's since the Mizzuno's are aging rapidly (at least I can alternate shoes that way).

One funny thing about the the Nike+ kit is when you get done accomplishing certain things you get a word of encouragement at the end of the workout. For instance, when I finished running the 12 miles a voice came on saying "This is Lance Armstrong, congratulations, you've just completed your longest workout yet." Today, I finished and I heard "This is Tiger Woods, congratulations, you've just run your fastest mile". Not to be picky, but I get Lance endorsing endurance, but isn't Tiger Woods an odd choice for speed? I mean the guy is a world class athlete, there's no denying that, but I don't recall them timing the 40-yard dash at the PGA tour. Maybe I just don't watch enough golf. Anyway, it's a neat tool and was a great gift from Miss Kathy, she's awesome, pure and simple.

Last night, I decided to volunteer for the annual Alumni Phon-A-Thon at UAMS. They have students in the College of Medicine call all the Alumni and ask for money. Now, I did this out of a mild sense of service to the school, but also because we get a positive note denoting our volunteerism in our profile for inclusion in our Dean's Letter which will be sent out with our residency applications, so there was no altruism at work. So, for three hours I talked to answering machines, mostly. I was able to get about $1500 in donations, the largest contribution came on my last call of the night, the good doctor offered $1000 (and "maybe more"). The school is attempting to grow it's scholarship endowment significantly, so this was just a small part of the strategy and if I'm able to help some incoming student reduce his debt load, that's a very good thing. There were some hard times during the calls, I think I got hung up on several times and had more than one person tell me "oh, he's dead" which is the consummate conversation killer.

The greatest irony of the experience was having a freshman at Drury call me over the weekend seeking donations for my alma mater. I of course declined, but I'll donate some day, of course I'll be receiving UAMS calls then too. Amusingly, I was talking to physicians, a group I hope to some day join and the student from Drury that called was pre-med and asked me for any advice I might have. I told her to just make sure she enjoys college because it's going to be over quick and it makes for great memories (that was your nostalgic moment for the evening brought to you by Gatorade, Is it in you?).

Hello world

2008-02-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

After being inundated with literally two comments (one in person, one on the blog), I've decided it's high time to give the readers what they want... A NEW ENTRY. So, I've been on a month long blogging hiatus, what's happened intervening 30+ days? Well, lots as it were. Where to start?

I suppose I'll start with the most impactful portion first then move to the other important news. So, I'm dating a new girl, she's awesome. Her name is Kathy, we've known each other for quite some time and due to some rather peculiar circumstances in the last month we're now dating. Each of you is probably wondering "How, exactly, does this happen? What are those peculiar circumstances?". Well, it started many a year ago. Kathy and I used to chat and such at work, then after I moved on, she and I saw each other on social occasions compliments of mutual friends. Most recently (prior to the forthcoming story) we helped Kyle and Cap on their house and attended their New Year's Party (previously pictured on this very blog). After that we attended a couple of movies together with other people, like Juno and Cloverfield.

Then about a month ago I was on the couch reading on a Tuesday night, preparing for a test on the upcoming Friday, when my phone rang and Kathy said she had been mugged at a local grocery store. I was on the scene in a few minutes, in time to see her being talked to by the police. I took her home and helped her retrieve her car later that night. We made a list of what she needed to do to get cards, drivers licenses, etc replaced. The next morning, I picked her up and took her to work then got her that evening. We then went grocery shopping and had dinner because she didn't feel comfortable going alone. Thursday was my manic "holy crap I gotta study or I'm totally screwed day" and in the midst of my mad dash (maybe it wasn't that mad, I don't typically stress THAT much over tests) Kathy, being the awesomeness that she is, brought sushi and fried rice for nutrition and we sat and talked for a while. (For the record that test and the subsequent one (this past Friday) went fine, I can't believe I haven't blogged for 2 tests, that's unusual, and sad I suppose.)

Saturday we had dinner, hung out and watched a couple of movies. I leaned over and kissed her later on that evening and said "I shoulda done that about 5 hours ago, I reckon" to which the ever feisty Kathy replied "you shoulda done that 5 weeks ago"... I guess I got told. Anyway we've been dating since. We went and saw "Definitely, Maybe" today, and it wasn't too bad, it's a good date flick, Ryan Reynolds is really shaping into an impressive actor (not yet great, but he's got potential). It still has that new relationship smell and we're still getting acclimated to one another, but we get along remarkably well and we feel really comfortable together (or I feel really comfortable with her, I suppose I can't speak for both of us ;)). I do have to admit that I'm really at ease talking to her, I've had a history of keeping things that bother me on the inside and to date I haven't had any problems, but if I do, I know I can talk to her about it and that's a very liberating emotion, for me at least. So that's the most important thing that's happened to me lately.

Other news includes an effort to find tuxes for Jeff's upcoming wedding. Jeff, Chelsea, and I went to lunch then to a dress shop this past Saturday in an effort to accomplish this. I knew things weren't quite right when we arrived at a bridal boutique, which I'm not opposed to in principle, I just don't feel comfortable spending a lot of time in them. Unfortunately for us, Prom Season had started and we were subjected to dozens, literally dozens, of pubescent or moderately post-pubescent girls quarreling over prices and colors and coverage of dresses with their parents. If I ever find out I'm a masochist (more so than I am as a medical student), I will seek employment in a dress shop. After settling on colors and styles, Jeff and I were molested, err umm, measured for our tuxedos. Somehow, I was labeled as having a fat neck, which mildly hurt my feelings, except not really. In mystery of human proportions, I'm 5'9" and 172lbs while Jeff is 6'3" and 155lbs, and for those of you who don't see me regularly, I'm not fat, overweight or even close to those things, Jeff is just thin as a rail. Anyway, there is a 5" difference in our seam length, but our cuff length, mid-shoulder to wrist, is only differentiated by half an inch. Additionally, our hands are the same size... Which leads me to question which one of us is out of proportion (I think it's me, I have other ape like features aside from long arms and short legs and a fat neck, most my notably social habits).

After we were fitted and rescued from the sea of estrogen that was the boutique, we went to see an overly testosterone filled motion picture starring a sexagenarian in combat attire mutilating south Asians with reckless abandon, you might know it as "Rambo". It was a brief film, mostly an educational film in what happens to the human form in traumatic situations, i.e. being cut with a big knife, shot with a big rifle, mowed down with a big machine gun, stepping on a big land mine, etc etc. I can't say I was disappointed in the movie, it was what it was, I couldn't fault it for failing to meet expectations, because I really had none.

As of tomorrow, we have 3 tests remaining in the year (and 5 finals). I'm really excited, there's 4 weeks until Spring Break and pretty much 7 weeks of lecture left. I can't properly explain my excitement to not have 5+ hours of lecture to sit through daily, punctuated with an exam on every third Friday. We've completed arguably the toughest units, but there are challenges remaining, like the 1500000 bugs that inhabit the gut or anything to do with genetics (and to think prior to this year I really liked the subject). In another two and a half months, I'll be officially done with half of Medical School (assuming I pass) and six weeks beyond that I'll be done with the first Step of the licensing exam (passing assumed again). I'm taking the Step 1 on June 17, I imagine I'll blog between now and then (I hope I do anyway) but when I get within a few weeks of it I'll likely fall off the face of the planet for a few days, so everyone be forewarned. I'm really excited about seeing patients full time starting in July, finally I can start to practice this craft that's been so many years in the making.

That's pretty much all I can remember to write at the moment, I may make an addendum to this blog at some point. I realize there's a playful, pretentious air to this post, I can't really explain it other than to say it was just my general mood as of writing it. As always, tasteful comments are welcome, and as a challenge how many obscure pop culture, movie, internet and music references are present in the post?

The Happy New Yearsss

2008-01-18T13:31:00.000-08:00

It's 2008... That's kinda weird to say, even now 3 weeks in. I guess I'm just taking longer to adapt. The above is an image from our ever so delightful celebration bringing in 2008 (maybe the more I type it the more natural it'll feel). Kyle and Cap held a hella fun party with lots of attendees. We played wii and rock band and scene it and I don't remember what else, but I had enough fun to not make it home until 3 am. A nearly complete documentation of the night can be found here.

The morning after the festivities my parents came over and we watched the pathetic attempt at a Cotton Bowl the Hogs put on. It was not how I wanted to ring in the new year, but I guess thems the breaks. The Cowboys put on an equally depressing showing this past weekend, and like the razorhogs, their season is done, which sucks, I was hoping they would get another shot at Bellicheat, Baby Brady and the rest of the worthless Pats. But I guess that'll have to wait for another year. I'm not to big to admit I was more than a little disappointed by the end of the Cowboys' season, but at least they kept Jason Garrett and prevented the need for a third Offensive Coordinator in as many years. But alas, this blog typically isn't a place where I wax intellectual about the matters of football, so I'll move on.

School is back in full swing, this week has been absolutely dreadful. We've had a ton of lectures, bad ones at that. I'm certainly glad the weekend is here, and it's a long weekend at that, but with a test next Friday, there will be no rest for the weary. Our current subject matter is the Central Nervous System, which unfortunately involves a lot of Behavioral Science (henceforth known as BS). I can say right now I have no desire or interest going into psychiatry. There are no concrete facts about it other than some (most) people aren't right (I include myself in that assessment). Fortunately, our course director for BS is a good lecturer and downright funny, so that helps make the subject easier to take.

On a final note, a good friend of mine has recently met a man she's been dreaming about. Congratulations are in order for that. The relationship has blossomed rather quickly, which while not bad, does raise some questions and alarms. I'm not one to act too rapidly on impulse and as such, I had a lot of concerns when I first heard about all of this. As those questions have been answered and the story behind the maturation of the relationship have been revealed, my reservations have slipped away. Now there are still things to be resolved. Obviously as their relationship progresses towards marriage, our friendship will change. I'm not one for didactic speeches (or am I?) but I have an immense amount of respect for the institution of marriage and as such the type of emotional and intellectual intimacy that has existed for the past several years is going to go away and that's probably the toughest adjustment. There are some people that are more comfortable to talk to than others and in my limited experience they don't come along all that often, so there will be a vacancy left. Obviously this doesn't mean we won't be friends any longer or be able to talk, but just the nature of our friendship will change, which is perhaps inevitable, sacred vows or not.

Soooooo

2007-12-28T14:29:00.001-08:00

I'm on break and I still haven't posted, how awful is that? Newness, well obviously we had the holiday this past week and another upcoming. I really like giving at Christmas, it's a nice surprise to see people caught off guard with their gifts. Receiving ain't bad, I'm not gonna lie, but I suppose the old idiom about the two acts is appropriate. I gotta say, Christmas reinforced my faith in my family and friends, I wouldn't trade them for all the tea in China. Thanks to all of y'all.

Monday we went to Hope to do the Christmas thing with my mom's side of the family. We had a nice dinner at my grandmother's, she made an awesome ham (I don't brag about food, so that should carry some weight). Then we went over to my aunt & uncle's house, and Jeff (the cuz) and I shot our loudnessess. I had 2 pistols, he also had 2 and a rifle, so we had plenty of fun entertaining ourselves with all the noise and such. My sister's boyfriend came and shot with us for a bit, he's cool in my book, although I did comment to Jeff (after the boyfriend went inside), "it's good he knows we have guns and know how to use them". Obviously I'm not going to assault my sister's boyfriend, but I thought it was a witty thing to say at the time.

The rest of the week has been a lot of video gaming, movie watching and the like. Mike was in town today for a short period, so we went out to CompUSA and looked at their "deals" in their going out of business "sale". I use quotations cause if anything they're prices have gone up so they can offer 10% off.

Some of you may have noticed I had been in a funk the last month or so. It wasn't extremely pronounced, but I was a bit melancholy. as I posted on the old blog about the holidays. I managed to work myself out of that the other night. WARNING THE NEXT FEW SENTENCES MAY BE A BIT PREACHY, THOSE WHO DON'T LIKE RELIGION ARE ADVISED TO STOP. I was driving home and I was self loathing about not having a girlfriend or what not and I realized (this part is brilliant), God sent his only son to save mankind and here I am whining like a little girl that I don't have a girlfriend, in what universe is that sound logic? This time of year is about celebration about the love of God, not my wants. So I decided that perhaps my time is better suited appreciating rather than pining. And here I am today feeling much better about it. That's my sermon for the day.

As may have been noted, I added a photo to the last post. It's me with braided hair! A classmate insisted and I was full of apathy, so I told her to have fun. Just call me K-Fed (actually, please for the love of all that is good, don't).

My test last week was pretty ok, I've gotten 3 grades back and they are in line with what I've done the rest of the year so I'm not complaining.

I'd like to wish everyone a belated Merry Christmas and an early Happy New Year! I'll be back with more material in the near future.

A new day (or umm night)

2007-12-12T20:16:00.001-08:00

So welcome one and all to the new digs. Given my inability to censor the thoughtless few on my old blog, I've relocated to good ole blogger, home of the dr. bear & his mrs as well as shabbygeek. I can't promise much here that will be different from the old blog, other than comments that will be more tasteful (it's my site and I'll censor all I want to).

If you're bored or new (really, new people?) you can check out my previous entries as well as my diverse photo collection here.

I promise a more substantial entry and more content on this here blog in the near future, but until then I don't really have anything to say that hasn't been said before (blah blah school blah blah life blah blah football blah blah).